| (no subject) |
[Dec. 24th, 2005|09:36 pm] |
this still exsists!??!
why don't the delete these if they aren't used frequently.
i suppose i would get super pissed if they did actually delete it.
i have another one i'd like you to read
livejournal.com/~raifsnider.
i LOVE you. |
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| JE$U$ |
[Apr. 14th, 2005|06:09 pm] |
"NAME BRAND" JE$U$
I'M TIRE OF SUBCULTURES. I'M TIRED OF SONICFLOOD AND TIES WITH CROSSES ON THEM. WHEN DID JESUS CHRIST BECOME JUST ANOTHER NAME BRAND? WHEN DID OUR LIVES STOP REFLECTING HIM TO THE POINT THAT WE HAD TO PUT A CROSS OR "WWJD?" ON EVERYTHING JUST TO PROVE WE STILL BELIEVE IN HIM? WHEN DID WE TRADE OUR FREEDOM AND INTELLIGENCE TO BECOME BRAINWASHED "SUPER CHRISTIANS" WHO WILL ONLY READ OR LISTEN TO SOMETHING IF IT'S SOLD IN A LIFEWAY CHRISTIAN STORE? JESUS CHRIST IS MORE THAN A NAME BRAND TO ME. HE IS MORE THAN THE PRESENTS I GET AT THE END OF THE YEAR. HE'S MORE THAN A RIGHT TO LOOK DOWN ON POEPLE AND PREACH TO THE HEATHENS. HE'S MORE THATN THE IDEA THAT I HAVE TO BE "GOOD ENOUGH" TO FIT INTO YOUR SUB CULTURE AND REGERGITATE THE SAME OVERLY UNPASSIONATE IDEAS OF WHAT A "GOOD CHRISTIAN" IS.
I SAY BURN THE 50 THOUSAND BOOKS ON HOW TO BE A BETTER CHRISTIAN, ON HOW TO TRY HARDER. MELT THE WORSHIP CDS MANUFACTURED TO EARN MONEY. SCREW ALL THE USELESS SHIT THAT WE FIND SO ATTRACTIVE SIMPLY BECAUSE A PICTURE OF A NON-SMILING JESUS IS PAINTED ON THE THE SIDE. READ A BIBLE! TALK TO JESUS AND MAKE UP YOUR OWN MIND ON WHAT A CHRISTIAN SHOULD BE. STOP FILLING YOUR HEAD WITH THIS NAME BRAND JE$U$ OWNED BY THE CORPORATIONS AND SOLD AT A REASONABLE PRICE SO YOU CAN BUY TWO AND GIVE ONE TO YOUR NEIGHBOR WHO ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH TO TAKE TO CHURCH. SELL ALL THE CROSSES HANGING ON YOUR WALL FROM JAMES AVERY AND SEND SOME MONEY TO HELP PEOPLE DYING IN AFRICA. STOP USING 2ND HAND T-SHIRT CLICHES AND TELL SOMEONE THE TRUTH OF HOW JESUS SET YOU FREE FROM A LIFE OF MEANINGLESSNESS.
LET JESUS FREE YOU... BEFORE OUR SUBCULTURE KILL OUR WITNESS TO THE POINT THAT NONE OF US ARE TAKEN SERIOUSLY. THAT'S WHAT THIS IS ABOUT. IT'S ABOUT PUTTING A DOLLAR SIGN ON EVERY PICTURE OF JESUS.
unfortunetly, i didn't date this... so i'm not positive about when i wrote it. i think it was 2003 sometime.
(ben r jr.) |
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| DANGER. |
[Mar. 20th, 2005|05:04 pm] |
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I AM VERY DANGEROUS. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 16th, 2005|12:33 pm] |
"YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, BUT YOU DON'T MEAN A THING TO ME"
EVERYONE IS BEAUTIFUL, YEAH THEY'RE ALL BEAUTIFUL.
BUT I USE THEM THEN I FLUSH THEM DOWN THE DRAIN LI
KE THEY WERE JUST COMMON SHIT. AND IT'S SHIT LIKE
THIS. NIGHTS AND DAYS TAHT START GOOD AND END BAD.
THAT HURT THE MOST. IT'S THE AWARENESS THAT IT'S U
SELESS, THAT IT'S NOTHING I REALLY WANT. IT'S THE
DISGUST AT TRADING GENIUNE LOVE AND TRUST FOR A QU
ICK FIXXX. A QUICK FUCKING FIXXX IS WORTH EVERYTHI
NG I OWN.
PEOPLE SAY IT'S NOT ADDICTION.
THIS IS ADDICTION.
THIS IS STRUNG-OUT JUNKIE BEHAVIOR.
THIS THE INABILITY TO FUNCTION WITHOUT IT.
THIS IS THE BROKEN LATCH ON A PURSE AND MONEY MIS
SING FROM A MOTHER'S PURSE. THIS IS NO ONE ELSE'S
FAULT. THIS IS FUCKING ROCK BOTTOM. THIS IS DISAS
TER /
DON'T TELL ME I'M NOT AN ADDICT /DON'T TELL ME I'
M JUST WEAK \
"SHE IS BEAUTIFUL, BUT SHE DON'T MEAN A THING TO ME"
IT'S SO HORRIBLE TO RIP OFF BEAUTY AND ROB TRUST.
HOPE IS SUCK A FUCKING JOKE.
DO I LOOK LIKE I NEED TO HEAR SOMEONE TALK TO ME ABOUT HOPE?
"THIS IS FACT NOT FICTION FOR THE FIRST TIME IN YEARS"
JUST WHEN I FELT CLEAR
JUST WHEN I FELT LIKE I MIGHT KICK IT.
LOSE GRIP.
DON'T THINK.
JUST ACT ------>JUST FEED.
JUST GET ------->
ANY MEANS NECCISARY.
I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ANYONE BUT ME. I'LL TELL YOU WHAT EVER YOU
WANT/NEED TO HEAR. "YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, BUT YOU DON'T MEAN A THING TO
ME" AND YOU REALLY DON'T. IS IT RAPE IF THEY GIVE CONSENT TO AN ALTE
R EGO?
X X X X
IT'S LIKE BEING BURRIED WHILE STILL BREATHING. OR THROWING A BRICK AT
A MOVING CAR.
IT'S LIKE THROWING A BRICK AT A MOVING CAR.
THE WAY I RECKLESSLY PROVIDE FOR MYSELF.
I ENVY THE PEOPLE QUIET, ASLEEP IN THEIR BEDS AT 2 IN THE MORNING.
NOT SCRIBBLING INCOHERENTLY IN A $3 NOTEBOOK AND TRYING TO GET BY.
I ENVY THE RICH AND WEALTHY WHO BUY THEIR WAY INTO A GOOD NIGHT'S
SLEEP. (THEY CAN FUCKING PAY FOR SLEEP) I ENVY THE THE FEARLESS.
BLOW MY BRAINS OUT.
COUNT MY HAIRS THEN PULL THE TRIGGER!
PULL THE
D A M N
TRIGGER!!!
THIS IS FREEDOM ------------>THIS IS HOME. |
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| //:JUST IGNORE THIS (there aren't any clever death cab lyrics inserted) |
[Jan. 21st, 2005|12:50 am] |
so... no one that i actually know reads this anymore, they all read my xanga. so i feel safe here to ramble about things that might scare my friends.
i'm kind of dealing with a lot of feelings lately.
i struggle with some sins that i don't want to anymore.
i watched that stupid movie Darkness Falls today and the part where the kid says he wants to turn off the lights and just let her get him cause he hates being so scared all the time. i can relate to that.
it's like sometimes i want to just give up. but i know that i don't really.
and what's my deal with lisa? i'm a fucking IDIOT. she's amazing, she is my favorite person in the world. but i don't call her, and she calls me and we just talk for a bit then we're both watching TV and she says she's gonna go cause we're not really talking and i just concede. i should have turned the damn TV off and talked to her. i don't know if she's upset with me, or if she gets upset. i don't know if we're okay... i don't want to have that conversation. to know that there's another part of my life that's fucked up i just couldn't take that.
and camp? what the HELL!? i've worked there for like 4 years now, and i thought that i was considered one of the best workers, most quilified workers. no one has talked to me about interning or anything... they called someone to move back from Virginia to do it, and gersham who only worked one summer!!??? WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK!? that makes me feel like SHIT. CAPITAL FUCKING SHIT! i've busted my ass for that place, i did jobs and took on responsibilities that were not mine and that i did not get paid for. maybe i was never as good at it as i thought...
my life is heading NO WHERE. not even fast. i don't want to wallow, i don't want to feel sorry for myself. it's all so cliche and disasterous. i drive my own self nuts with this SHIT.
i can't fix anything. i'm so fucked up. people look to me for answers, i'm like picture perfect from the outside. i'm so self assured and confident. and i'm so fucked up. i don't want to kill myself, but i don't want to live either.
i don't want to be this tragic mess, but i want the attention. i want so badly for someone to notice how completely fucked up and depraved i am and force me to get help. for someone to force me to get real and honest. God i'm so fucked up. i don't read the Bible anymore... rarely. that's why everything is so hard. i just pretend that Jesus isn't around. i neglect my spiritual life pretty much altogether. i can't turn into one of those people who just plays perfect on sundays. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME!?
just ignore this... |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 17th, 2005|09:36 pm] |
SOONER OR LATER, IT'S ALL GOING TO CRASH.
& BURN.
AND YOU WILL PROBABLY BE IN THE BACK, ON THE TOILET. YOU WON'T SEE IT COMING AND IT WON'T GIVE A SHIT.
IT WON'T ALWAYS BE GOOD...
IT WON'T ALWAYS MAKE NO SENSE WHAT SO EVER...
BUT SOONER OR LATER, IT'S ALL GOING TO CRASH
& BURN. |
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| HOW THE FUCK DO YOU CURE A LONELY HEART THAT'S SELF INFLICTED? |
[Jan. 12th, 2005|06:05 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | SHIT | ] |
| [ | music |
| | DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE | ] |
I DON'T KNOW KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME. I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S ALL THE DEATH CAB I'VE BEEN LISTENING TO, OR THE FACT THAT I'VE BEEN AT THE COMPUTER ALMOST ALL DAY, OR THE RAINY/STORMY WEATHER, OR THE FACT THAT I'M SICK OF BEING ADDICTED TO SELFISHNESS, BUT I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I'M LONELY. BUT I DON'T REALLY HAVE A REASON TO BE. I DIDN'T FEEL BAD WHEN I WOKE UP, I DIDN'T FEEL BAD WHEN I WENT TO SLEEP LAST NIGHT. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME? WHY DO I REFUSE TO DO ANYTHING GOOD FOR MYSELF? WHY DO I REFUSE TO PROGRESS? IT'S SO APPROPRIA-AH-ATE THE WAY WE AMPLIFY THE SOUND AND THE NEIHGBORS DROP BY-HI-HI AND THEY ASK TO TURN IT DOWN AGAIN WHY AM I SO FUCKING ADDICTED TO FEELINGS, I WANT TO JUST GO SIT OUT ON THE DECK IN THE RAIN AND FEEL SHITTY. I WANT IT ALL TO MATCH UP. THIS WON'T BE THE LAST YOU'LL HEAR FROM ME... IT'S JUST THE START I JUST WANT TO BE ALONE. I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO ANYONE I KNOW EVER AGAIN. WHAT IS THAT? I'M NOT NORMAL. I'M LEARNING MORE AND MORE THAT I'M INCAPABLE OF JUST BEING OKAY. WHY DO I REFUSE TO PROGRESS? WHY DO I INSIST ON RETURNING TO THE THINGS THAT KILL AND HURT ME? WHY CAN'T I JUST SIT AND READ, WHY DO I HAVE TO SIT AT THIS COMPUTER AND FEEL SHITTY? ALL STATIC, NO NOISE, TURN THE RADIO DOWN I JUST WANT TO WRITE FOREVER. I JUST WANT TO GET THIS ALL OUT, TO EXPEL IT FROM MY BODY LIKE VOMIT. IT'S JUST LIKE VOMIT. THAT'S THE CLOSEST COMPARESON. DON'T GO HOLDING OUT ON ME NOW HOLY SHIT I NEED SOMEONE TO ANCHOR ME. SOMEONE TO BRING ME BACK DOWN TO NORMALITY.
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME? YOU'VE BEEN FOREWARNED OF THE SHAKEDOWN |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 21st, 2004|11:32 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | not giving a shit | ] |
| [ | music |
| | modest mouse | ] |
"Anyone who attended that first fashion show in 1972 still remembers the impact of those graceful clothes that seemed to float from the models: the tunic with the drifting shoulder panel, the wool afternoon dresses cut so that they draped and shaped the body, the use of pleated sleeves in tones that shimmered and changed with the light."
PAGE 123, 5th sentance from While My Pretty One Sleeps by Mary Higgins Clark {the nearest book to me} |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 26th, 2004|01:19 pm] |
wow, it's been ages since i've been here.
this is what i've been listening to lately:
catch for us the foxes - mewithoutYou
details - frou frou
futures - jimmyeatworld
antics - interpol
the garden state soundtrack
s/t (the white album) - the beatles
pressure chief - CAKE
hard candy - counting crows
and i watch Arrested Development a lot.
everyone read Donald Miller right now!!!! |
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| nothingNOTHINGnothing |
[Oct. 5th, 2004|02:45 pm] |
i live at xanga now. i don't really feel the need for this livejournal.
i wish i had anything to say. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 19th, 2004|11:25 am] |
i just made a really great CD. i miss making MIXTAPES, but this will have to do.
01 FALLEN ANGELS - ELBOW
02 SPIDERS - LOVEDRUG
03 COLORBLIND - COUNTING CROWS
04 I REPENT (live) - DEREK WEBB
05 DIABOLIC SCHEME - THE HIVES
06 ADELAIDE - BEN FOLDS
07 THIS FIRE - FRANZ FERDINAND
08 MOTION PICTURE SOUNDTRACK - RADIOHEAD
09 I FOUGHT THE LAW - THE CLASH
10 WHERE IS MY MIND? - PIXIES
11 I REMEMBER - DAMIEN RICE
12 ONE LESS ADDICTION (acoustic) - EMBODYMENT
i really love all of these songs. "motion picture soundtrack" really hit me yesterday and became one of my favorite songs. and anytime you have THE HIVES and the clash on the same CD it's bound to kill a few people. |
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| MUSICCZ |
[Aug. 20th, 2004|03:30 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  nerdy | ] |
here is a list of the CDs i got this summer and what i think of them.
WILCO - A GHOST IS BORN
with my first check of the summer, the first excessive thing that i bought was A Ghost is Born. after listening to clips at B&N i decided i needed it. what a great album. it's not really different than YHF, more spacey i guess. there are some really good songs on it though. i reccomend it if you're a wilco fan.
3 favorite songs: Muzzle of Bees / Hummingbird / Theologians
THE DIARY OF ALICIA KEYS
i fell in love with Alicia during my time at the waffle casa because "if i ain't got you" was on the jukebox. what a great album, i don't really like her first one enough to own, but this one is super. the girl can sing, and the girl can play the piano.
some of it even sounds really 70's funk. get it!
3 faves: If I Ain't Got You / Karma / You Don't Know My Name
JORDAN KNIGHT - GIVE IT TO YOU
this only has one song on it, but the song kicks ass. i'm learning to appreciate good pop music, and this is GOOD. it's funn to dance to and it reminds me of watching the video in high school.
PEDRO THE LION'S ACILLE'S HEEL
i am a huge fan of david/pedro the lion. and i've heard from plenty of folks that they don't really like this one, but i love it. i don't really think these are david's best songs, but the music is really up to par. and he sings with so much confidence on this album. and this new walsh guy seems to have a little something. my favorite song was actually written by him!!!?? (start without me).
3 faves: Start Without Me / The Fleecing / A Simple Plan
THE DARKNESS - PERMISSION TO LAND
what can be said about the darKness besides that they rule with metaal fists. everyone should own this album PRONTO! what's super sweet is i got mine for cheap at CD warehouse!
3 faves: Growing On Me / Friday Night / Love On The Rocks With No Ice
FRANZ FERDINAND
i got this after listening to it with drew and hearing "take me out" and really liking the 80's retro feel of the songs. it's a good album, i'm not raving about it like so many people are though. it's just good... it's not the strokes, that's for damn sure. people shouldn't even compare them to the strokes. and sometimes i think they stole some riffs from weezer. i enjoy listening to it though
3 faves: Take Me Out / This Fire / Come On Home
THE MISEDUCATION OF LAURYN HILL
i've had this album on tape for the longest, and just never got it on CD. then i found it for 3 bones at half price books and i was ecstatic!!!! this is one of the best albums ever in my opinion. you should own it... twice like me! the girl did EVERYTHING on the album! it won like 4 million grammys. go get it!!!!
3 faves: Superstar / Everything Is Everything / hidden track 2
SPICE GIRLS - SPICE
don't laugh! i said stop laughing!!!! it was a dollar, and it's really fun to listen to. you know what, i'm not even going to argue this with you... i love the spice girls and i'm proud of it. SPICE FOR LIFE!!!!
3 faves: If U Can't Dance / Say You'll Be There / Who Do You Think You Are
THE HIVES - TYRANNOSAURUS HIVES
this is my favorite CD of the summer. who knew the hives kicked so much ass!? this album sounds a lot like the clash, which is cool. i really dig everything about the hives. this is becoming one of my favorite CDs. you should buy it before it buys you!
3 faves: A Little More For Little You / Diabolic Scheme / Love In Plaster
and here are some songs that i fell in love with this summer:
Spiders - lovedrug
Sparks - coldplay
Fallen Angels - elbow
Colorblind - counting crows
Momentum - aimee mann
Yeah! - usher |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 18th, 2004|12:42 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  anxious | ] |
| [ | music |
| | pedro the lion - start without me | ] |
i might be in school on monday.
if you still read this, pray for me!
thanks very much
(ben) |
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|
| the empty bottle sitting on the rusted bottom shelf |
[Aug. 17th, 2004|03:17 pm] |
the empty bottle sitting on the rusted bottom shelf
give it all you've got
but it might not be enough
fill your life with all this fluf
but it still won't be enough
i'm not mad
just a little frustrated and sad
and in the end
it all turns right back to shit
so what's the point?
you have to ask yourself again
one hard look
in the mirror at your face
straight into the eyes
turn and look the other way
and i'm not mad
just a little worried and sad
blend many colors together
try to find the perfect one
fit your tiny lines together
and pray for them to burn
into minds of many others
look for some kind of return
but i'm not mad
i'm just a little tired and sad
come back around
this sick cycle of regret
it eats me up
you don't see my potential yet
simply put
i don't believe you ever will
i'm the empty bottle sitting on the rusted bottom shelf
no i'm not mad
just a little confused and sad
- ben r jr. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 16th, 2004|11:49 am] |
in case of emergancy
don't dial my number
i won't answer
and i won't care
i'm too worried
about everything else
what the hell am i doing?
i'm tired of life. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 12th, 2004|12:41 pm] |
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i don't know where home is, but i know it's far away. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 9th, 2004|01:27 pm] |
VOl. 2 tomorrow!!!!
i got the prettiest shoes ever yesterday... they're pumas, but i left them in stevren's car. SADD.
all this shallow stuff helps me to not think of all the shit going on.
time to go tidy my room and read/listen to music. |
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| colorblind |
[Aug. 2nd, 2004|01:20 pm] |
i am colorblind
coffee black and egg white
pull me out from inside
i am ready i am ready i am ready
i am..
taffy stuck and tounge tied
stutter shook and uptight
pull me out from inside
i am ready i am ready i am ready
i am fine
i am coverd in skin
no one gets to come in
i am folded and unfolded and unfolding
i am...
colorblind
coffe black and egg white
pull me out from inside
i am ready i am ready i am ready
i am fine |
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| THE HIVES |
[Jul. 31st, 2004|11:48 am] |
| [ | music |
| | counting crows - colorblind | ] |
i'm in love with The Hives. after reading an article about them in SPIN and listening to the new album, i love them!
i want to hear their old album now. |
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|
| OLD POEM |
[Jul. 26th, 2004|03:03 pm] |
04 15 04 / blame motion pictures
snow angels
lost trust
innocence down
the drain
shutters closed
force the cold
out side
contain warmth
keep it
for yourself
nothing really happens
out side
motion pictures
have
become
the reason
to stay
in side
or an excuse
to not
care
any ways
close the doors
turn the lock
force the cold
out side
contain warmth
for yourself
comfort
we can be so
comfortable
when we ignore
the snow
out side
-ben r jr. |
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